I Am Home

I have been in Croatia for almost two weeks. It felt weird. I had left this beautiful country, that has been my home for so long, 2 years ago.

Every time I would visit, I have always felt my heart-opening. I loved coming back home and visiting my past. So many beautiful memories. But this time it was different. I could no longer feel it. It was as if I was in a foreign land.

My memories were like some old houses that were empty for so long that almost started disappearing. People were passing it by without even seeing it. Until one day someone decides to build a new house. Leaving the old house only to those who once were.

I realized my memories were no longer attached to the space. They were set free.I could feel the pain of the end. I no longer belonged here.

As an experienced bencher, I decided to sit on a park bench and breathe for a while.
I could see this culture for what it was. I could feel into the good, the bad, and the ugly. The beauty and the laughter, but also the trauma and the power. All of the sudden, I was overwhelmed with tremendous guilt. I have abandoned my people. I betrayed them. I no longer carried the cultural imprint that gives us all a sense of belonging to a certain community. I was a foreigner. I felt so lost. All of these acts of consciousness were no longer me.

I felt like I was losing my identity. It was so scary. It felt like someone has cut through my roots, and now I’m left alone. A woman with no country, no culture, and no roots.

As I was breathing, I could feel my heartbeat. I started to feel emerged with this beautiful organ that was broken so many times but somehow managed to beat some more, to dream, to dare, and to let go.

I realized, I just Am. No more identities. I no longer have to identify myself in order to know that I exist. No more mirrors are needed from my family, partner, culture, and even friends. I started to occupy the land of the Self. I belong only to Me. And this world…with its beauty, I enjoy it as a visitor and a traveler. I am free. And funny enough, with this freedom, I can belong anywhere. I Am home.